Remembrance

 “In remembrance, you shall stay with us

‘neath bright and stygian skies…

In remembrance of those mirthful days

Only true friends could suffice…”

Coming from me, the above might sound a tad bit ‘emotional’ and ‘sensitive’... very much antagonistic of my usual self… But do not be alarmed, the above never fervidly arose from my chronically disturbed encephalon. The above is just my rendition of the heart-warming aura I find myself encapsulated in… regretfully…

Four years of solitariness in tribal grasslands with the company of unknowns can have its toll on perfectly sound gentlemen, never mind the already perturbed.

For sanity’s sake, people made acquaintances, friends, buddies… whatever you wish to call them. Some even made enemies to add storm to their lull environment. I did not intend to make any ‘good friends’ or ‘sworn enemies’, but apparently my kaleidoscopic nature lead to the demise of my intentions, and I remained swarmed with people all throughout the four years… which I hate?... like?... I do not know… I cannot even tell…

Coming back to the present, I see a very overtly friendly nature in people around me. I think I understand this nature, the feeling of separation, the scare of moving on to a new life, the fear of starting again from the scratch in some other distant place.

This whole thing can get a bit excruciating, both emotionally and insensitively…

Just this afternoon… a friend of mine… shared a final hug… and said…

“We’ll meet again someday… keep in touch”

“Umm… sure man sure…” I could only reply.

“I’ll always remember the good old times” he said and hugged again.

As he hugged, an eerie response went through my head and brusquely I blurted it out…

“Try to forget me, Remembrance is Agony’s womb”

The guy looked at me in awe; remorselessly I looked back and nodded in agreement of my last reply. He walked away… probably forever… I stood there hoping for the same.

I am not an apathetic stone; I can be sympathetic and empathetic... I can be passionate and compassionate… It is just that others can never understand what I am, what makes me, what breaks me, why I sing, why I write, what I hate and whom I love… and what you don’t understand is what you should never fiddle with… and is better best forgotten…

I have lived under a veil of lies and now the weight of the veil is too much for me to bear. My back aches, my neck aches and most severely my heart aches.

I wish to burn this veil and start anew… I wish to burn this veil and start anew… I wish…

But I can never take the veil off if I am kept alive in remembrance. For what lies beneath the veil is an appalling panorama of deceit and to survive the four years the veil needed to be woven… the lies needed to be sewn onto it… fraudulence needed to be knit upon it…

It is most difficult for me to say goodbye, for I know when I say ‘Goodbye’ it means eternal… the perfect definition of ‘Goodbye’… to never meet again… to never follow…

I cause pain when remembered, I cause regret when treasured, I cause malady when cherished… I am the coyote amongst men… anguish breeds where I fornicate… misery serenades where I play my harp… I know this as I have witnessed it with my very eyes, heard it with my very ears and felt it with my own skin.

I wish I had never donned this veil… but that is hoping too much… and too late… I wish you all would forget me… but that again is hoping too much… and too late…

For now…allies… adversaries… I can only say…

In remembrance, I will stay with you

‘neath the dark and vivid skies

In remembrance you shall curse me

For those vile and vicious lies…