10 Beliefs ov’ the Metalhead!!!

Earlier, you need not be a keen observer to identify a ‘Metalhead’ amidst a mob of placid and simple people. Long hair, Black Ts with splash art of Venom, Slayer or Morbid Angel splattered across them. They appeared like big, hardened sons of bitches forged in some unholy foundry inside a cave in Oslo. Their cacophonous roars gave aspirins a headache. Their spit could dissolve you like acid on copper. Such atrocious and fearful beings could easily make you piss blood out your asshole… but all you needed to do was raise your fists, up those horns… and you got yourself a new beer buddy.

Nowadays, it’s not the same. The stereotypical Metalheads are a rarity; the guy who handed you that McChicken could be a Metalhead, the guy who repaired your Air-Conditioner could be a Metalhead, your fucking boss could be a Metalhead, even your MOM could be a Br00ootal Metalhead!!!

But let me tell you who’s not a Metalhead, that Emo chick with the dark mascara who practically drooled over Nightwish, Crematory and Within Temptation is NOT Metalhead [please marry a dustbin and die bitch!!!]… Your pale faced, long haired roommate who could offer himself to Satan in the name of Dimmu Borgir, Cradle of Filth and Hecate Enthroned is NOT a Metalhead… the most he can do is carve a Pentagram on his forearm, shriek like a wuss and then faint in exhaustion, his ‘Demonic Offering’… A fainted wuss… Satan will be proud…

Your college buddy who is apparently a ‘Huge’ fan of Burzum and Mayhem and proudly declares how the lives of Ohlin, Aarseth and Vikernes converted him to Satanism is definitely NOT a Metalhead… please ask him how the lives of a Lunatic, Hypocrite and a Non-Satanist turned him into a Satanist… if he cannot answer… blast his brains out with a shotgun, take a snap and send it to his friends and families…

This world, this filthy petty world we live in, is full of posers and pretenders. People pretend to be a Goth, a Satanist or a Cultist because these groups sound grim and occult, not to mention ‘OMG so fucking kewl’. Incorrectly, metal is somehow incorporated or related with these demeaning groups of people and thus the downfall of the common ‘Metalhead’.

In such times, where does a Tr00oo Metalhead go? With the stereotypes dead and the image tainted, how to identify a Tr00oo Metalhead in this society? Is there no one who will share a beer pitcher over ‘Bathory – Shores in Flames’? Is there no who will headbang to ‘Pungent Stench – Invisible Empire’?

Well, sad-face, you can turn that frown upside down because Tr00oo Metal is not dead and that foundry in Oslo is still making Metalheads as hard as ever [pun not intended]. They have merely adapted to the environment and the society like the Homo sapiens adapted to the ecological change. Metalheads are now socially indiscernible; they have melded like vinegar into mayonnaise, like hazelnut into Nutella… visibly unnoticeable but forming a key ingredient, whose significance cannot be manifested unless and until tasted… now this doesn’t mean you have to lick people to find the Metalheads, it was simply a metaphor [if you did lick someone, you are NOT a Metalhead, please stop reading and shove your head up a truck’s exhaust]

Metalheads, nowadays, have united mentally using some sort of Br00ootal telepathy. Their thoughts are in unison; their beliefs are the same and the moment these beliefs are matched in two individuals anywhere on the planet… Kerry King hits an E5 on his V-neck, Akerfeldt writes a new progression and Ozzy kills a Pig in Ukraine in respect of the two Metalhead who have just united…

Now, with my level of research and experience in this field I have summed up 10 traits and beliefs of the Modern Metalhead below [which aren’t in any particular order of importance and/or significance]:

1.  A Metalhead is an Anti-Christ[not a Satanist], he believes in the non-existence of Godly messiahs and all its subordinates… as far as a Metalhead is concerned Jesus, Muhammad, Moses can play hide n seek in a Palestinian Gay bar.

2. A Metalhead prefers beer over anything, all other forms of alcohol are believed to be impure and Non-Br00ootal as nothing beats the sound of beer cans crushing against human skull [not the vice versa, A Metalhead must live too]

3. A Metalhead never raises his/her thumb, especially during the ceremonious raising of the fore- and the little finger. It is considered as the sacrilege of the sacrosanct when such a heinous act is performed… traditionally, the miscreant should be dismembered and fed to Katy Perry… but present law prevents it, so now the culprit is only dismembered… bummer…

4. A Metalhead believes that the world can only get rid of some of its ‘Gaytardedness’ when a certain horny little transsexual entitled J.B. is publically abashed and then left to the mercy of a herd of bison high on Viagra.

5. A Metalhead believes cocaine, heroin and acid are corrupt drugs taken by lifeless Punk/Emo dweebs and unskilled Rappers. It is said these drugs inspire musicians to compose prolific melodies, then why doesn’t a Metalhead take such an inspiratory drug???... Because… ‘A Metalhead doesn’t need any FUCKING inspiration to compose a Metal song’. A Metalhead on his most uninspired day, in his most uncaring mood can yawn in the progression of E flat major.

6. A Metalhead believes the world will end in an apocalyptic clamour from the skies. The God of thunder, Thor, accompanied by beautiful Valkyries [Thor’s groupies] will arrive with his guitar, The Mjolnir [yes, it’s a guitar, not a hammer] and play a thunderous solo that shall rip through the hearts of the feeble and destroy all mankind. The souls of the Tr00oo Metalheads will be taken to Valhalla [Green Room] to prepare for Ragnarok [The Final Concert, AKA, The Odinfest]… \m/…

7. A Metalhead believes in Anti-Sexism and treats men and women alike. Metal is generally pertained to the male as females are considered weak and fragile. But a Metalhead begs to differ and welcomes females in a Metal concert… I mean, who wants an after gig orgy will all males, right???... Then again, if you consider a human's life span, it’s always the female who has bled more than a male… so fucking Br00ootal…

8. A Metalhead believes in a perfect Synchrony in life. Be it blending eggs, beating a mattress or headbanging in a Metallica concert, if it’s not in synchrony it’s not correct. Some Metalheads are known to have an OCD of this Rhythmic behaviour which results in excellent sexual performance… whereas others require ‘Deicide – Standing in the Flames’ in the background to keep them going…

10. A Metalhead has trouble counting, unless he’s counting beats, then he’s faster than Euler on caffeine.

That’s just about it people…

The Metal path is a long and hard path, and once you are on it, it is impossible to get off.

So be brave… be strong… 

be Br00ootal… and be METAL!!!… \m/…